Getting spouse's "permission"...

edited February 2013 in General Archive
Got a question for all of you, male or group of players almost universally has to ask permission to come play and they have the hours they can play dictated...this is totally opposite of how my spouse and I operate, and it made me curious of how things go in your groups.

Do your players (or you) have to ask your spouse/significant other for permission to go game? If so, do you have time limits set by them?


  • EverRaven
    Posts: 6
    My significant other and I play together. In the majority of games, I am our DM - he plays. On one game that is flipped as he runs our Mechwarrior game. Once every blue moon we might get the glory of gaming together. So, unlike most females, I have never been in the situation to tell him, "No honey, I don't want you playing D&D with the boys today." They couldn't very well play without their DM! However, I can't imagine that I would....

    That said, within our circle of players - we have seen the issue crop up. And usually, it depends entirely on the significant other's ability to "understand" the hobby...

    The one married couple that often play with us - neither wife or husband have ever thought about restricting the play of their significant other. Course, it is rare that they do not BOTH play in the game. That has only happened once, for you see the wife rather loathes tabletop battletech. So, when that game got going, she made it clear she didn't want to play - but told her husband to shoot a clanner for her. She never dreamed of restricting his ability/time to play at all. ... and I think that is because she wouldn't want him to do any different if the shoe was on the "lets play a savage worlds game based on True Blood!"

    Now take my other married friends. All of my dealings with such have been men players leaving wives at home (all my girl players are married to another player or single). And usually, the severity of the restriction comes down to "do you have children." If children are included - gaming has basically ended. The husband can't get the wife to let him free any respectable amount of time- and lets face it, kids are a lot more important than if his orc cowboy finally finds the guy that killed his 'ma. I've lost more than a few players to "kid aggro" :)

    Girlfriends? I had one girl totally freak at the idea her boyfriend was playing "at some chick's house" - she came over during the game, basically growled possessively over the guy and sat in his lap pouting most of the day. I tried to make her understand I'd been with MY boyfriend for 16 years by that point, the other female player had known her boyfriend for years ...neither of us wanted her guy. But, for weeks, every time we played he had to bring her or she refused to let him play because, "I wanna know what you are doing!" It only ended after he demanded that he go with her to "Girls night out" as he "wanted to know what she was doing!" Their relationship did rather well after that. He's now in the "can't play because of kid aggro" group.

    But, girlfriends tend to stay or go depending on if they are actually understanding about the hobby itself. Some don't want their boyfriend doing anything without them, others feel the hobby is stupid and want them to quit. Those tend to either break-up - or take our friend off into the world of "never seen again till after the divorce four years from now..."

  • saethone
    Posts: 153
    My GF isn't interested in gaming at all, she's come over a few times because she's friends with some of the other players but she usually gets bored watching us play, lol. She's never been bothered by most of my Sat nights being taken up by it and coming home at 5-6 am occasionally :P.
  • ketherian
    Posts: 203
    I'm in a situation much like EverRaven - I'm a GM and he plays. We don't always play together, and I game more than he does; but we have no kids and he doesn't mind me leaving him alone a few nights a month. But we've been in a relationship for a *long* time; when the relationship was newer ... we gamed more together - so it still wasn't an issue. I have another couple at my current game. So, for them, like us, this isn't an issue.

    One woman at the table has 3 kids. When she's playing - her husband has the kids. They are both gamers and they take turns having a "gaming night". Still - their kids take priority, so she misses games and isn't as flexible as others in rescheduling. I'm not sure she gets "permission" to game, so much as it's a conversation. If he's available to look after the kids, and the kids don't need her for the afternoon - then she comes to game.

    I've gamed a few times with a significant other trying to understand their love's hobby. Sometimes they kinda-got it, most times it was just a shared activity. They liked some of it, but not all and didn't mind if they missed a few sessions.
  • magavendon
    Posts: 112
    Don't have any married people in my group of friends that game. We have several people in relationships however, including myself.

    My GF was basically raised a gamer (we play a game with her parents in fact, they have a set day to play and we always play after her younger siblings go to sleep) so for the most part we play games together (either with us both playing or me GMing). A couple of times I'll get into a game that she either isn't interested in or doesn't have the time for and when our relationship was new that probably wouldn't have flown, but now we've been dating for a while and she just lets me go play in other games without her.

    There's my best friend and his girlfriend. I think with her he pretty much needs permission every time. I've asked him before to play something or other and he's done so without asking her, but I could tell that it really bothered her. A lot of the time he can't play with us either and he says its one thing or another but it feels like its because of her.

    There is a couple in our group where the female hangs out with us more and plays in our games more often than her boyfriend, although he'll join in as well sometimes. I don't know if she has to get permission from him or not, but if I had to guess I'd say not since she's around seemingly all the time.

    So there you have it.
  • Bookscorpion
    Posts: 58
    I play together with my partner in some games and we both play or have played in others. We take some care that we don't give away all our time together for roleplaying with other people (especially since we only have weekends), but it's a conversation and not a "I need permission". The same goes for the other people we play with who have partners (and a kid in one case).

    I've seen the jealous girlfriend type EverRaven mentions and it always sucked. I've played as the only woman in most of my groups for most of my gaming career (which is why I've never seen the jealous boyfriend type probably) and if my partner had a problem with that, that would so not count in his favour.

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  • GamingMegaverse
    Posts: 2,956
    My wife does not game, but she wants me to be happy, so it is not a problem.
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    Just trying to help out.

  • calicojack73
    Posts: 1
    My wife doesn't play and never has had any interest in it. Before we had kids it was much easier for me to game pretty much whenever I wanted. Now, with a 7 year old and a 1 year old things are different. It isn't so much that I have to get permission as much as I have to coordinate our time to make sure that something else isn't already planned. I found it easiest to have a rock solid schedule that doesn't change. This way my wife can plan around it without having to ask me if there is a game on a particular night. The biggest change really is that I don't play midday anymore. The kids are a handful and with two of them there is always something needing to be cleaned up, a child to be played with, or something going on. SO... now I play in the evenings since the 1 year old will be going to bed. The 7 year old can take care of entertaining himself.
  • Raven_JT
    Posts: 8
    Well, since the group I currently run involves my wife and 3 kids, I never have to ask for permission to game. If anything I have to ask permission to NOT game. LOL I was lucky enough to be able to get my wife into gaming when we first started gaming and she's been hooked ever since. She games with me and I never have that issue. But we have ran with people that had to clear it with their other half before gaming. And that is almost always a hassle, especially with someone who doesn't understand the hobby.
  • Shottglazz
    Posts: 5
    Thanks for the responses guys - Raven_JT - your last comment about it being a hassle, especially when someone doesn't understand the hobby struck a chord. My GF knows what gaming is and has tried it once - but she'd much rather play board games or card games like Munchkin. She just gets incensed when one of the guys mentions having to ask his wife or GF for permission to play or to stay past a certain hour - and most of our group don't have children...
  • Raven_JT
    Posts: 8
    Shottglazz- We do those too, just not as often. Usually when I'm not up to running a session. I work midnights so the wife and the kids do a lot of board games/ video games and munchkin when I'm working, sleeping or not up to running. I guess I just got lucky that all 4 of them are into and love gaming.
  • VentureSix
    Posts: 30
    Everyone in my group, including myself, is either married or in a committed relationship.

    What this means is that scheduling our next session is pretty time-consuming and just overall tedious. It's not that the significant others do not understand gaming - they understand far more than most muggles do as we've all worked in the videogame industry. When we plan, we check with them to make sure we don't have family or other commitments, and our sessions are always 12pm-6pm on a Saturday, as that allows us the evening with the sig others. Weeknights are bad as that whole work thing the next day intrudes, so this is a happy compromise we all came up with together.
  • twiggyleaf
    Posts: 1,900
    I am single so does not apply but we play at my mate's house on a Thursday evening, and unfortunately Thursday 14 February was NOT ALLOWED! (I can't think why)


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  • manofredearth
    Posts: 1
    Sometimes "ask for permission" is code for "I have some stuff to do that is my share of pulling the weight that I should have done before engaging in recreation for 6 hours." I run a game out of my house every other Sunday evening, and I better make certain I pay attention to how much I've done around the house and within my relationship if I want that to run as smoothly as it does. If I were to come home from work, watch a bunch of tv, jump on Skyrim, hit the sack, and repeat without doing a fair share of keeping up the house or checking in with my partner (we both work M-F, getting home around 6pm), there wouldn't be much of a relationship to speak of anyway. I have heard of people in my position, "asking for permission" when, in reality, they're throwing their partner under the bus and ducking from responsible, assertive communication/partnering.
  • Raven_JT
    Posts: 8
    manofredearth-That is a completely valid point. But that goes for anything and any relationship. My brother in law was the same way, all he wanted to do was sleep, eat and play video games. And he made a big deal out of what a nagging hag his wife was for years. That is until they stayed with us for awhile "between homes"...THAT is when the truth came out. Funny thing is, when I corrected him as he called her a nagging hag one time, it wasn't too long after that they suddenly found a place to live. Luckily, my wife and I have always had a good partnership when it comes to the house. We know the things each other can do, and work it that way. I do my little list(since I work full time and she's a stay at home mom), and what she asks/needs me to do. But with out kids being the ages they are, a lot has been given to them as chores.
  • Andrew_Hart
    Posts: 22
    In terms of 'asking for permission'; I do, and only because I normally host. My Partner is pretty understanding, but sometime needs/wants peace and quiet- it's never actually been an issue. I very much doubt that my SO would have me give up gaming, especially since the alternative is probably heading to the pub :-).
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