Addressing my absence

Duskreign
Duskreign
edited November 2010 in General Discussion
There is nothing more tragic than a life denied. That's what I was witness to. It changed me forever.

On October 28th, I saw for the first and, God willing, the last time, an infant laying dead in the arms of his grandmother. This infant, son of Obsidian Portal user Darknova, lived for less than fifteen minutes. He died in the arms of his father, Matt, my best friend, my brother, and a man to whom such a horrid fate is least of all deserved.

What can a person say to offset such misery as Matt endured that day? How could anything dull the pain that lingers in him still. I shake and cry for him by day and by night. I stood in a yard of graves as tiny as I had ever seen, doing the math, realizing that I was surrounded by hundreds of infants whose total life, added together, didn't equal half of my own. Matt saw his son reach up for him, heard his weak gasps, felt his vain struggle to survive, and then, experienced what has to be the absolute worst thing any human being has ever had to experience. In an instant, everything that was Matt's life was over, and a new, hellish version of earth rose to imprison him.

That's where I have been. I have been trying, as best as I could manage, to brave this new hell with my best friend and help see him back to some semblance of the light he once knew.

My return here is no sign of victory. The darkness that haunts Matt will linger far into the future, perhaps enshrouding his every remaining footstep on this earth. I will always feel the tremendous weight of his pain, and in whatever meager fashion I am capable, try to provide a few bright moments to guide his way through the dark.

I have missed this place, and the people in it. I have tried to return earlier, but I could not fathom the point until now. It is hard to reconcile playing a game, much less working on a wiki for said game, in light of these events.

I dreamt of my father. I realized upon awakening that it was more of a collage of memories than a dream. I lost him two years ago, and it devastated me, but that pain is nothing against Matt's, so for the past few weeks, in a sick way, sharing Matt's pain has helped me deal with my own. I think that's why I had the dream, and why I've decided to return to my friends at the Obsidian Portal.

In my dream, my dad tells me that we die when we can't live anymore. He emphasized the word 'can't.' I didn't get it at first, but he spelled it out for me. Much of our lives are our passions. My family and my friends are my passions. They are the reasons I live. I have been denying them, hiding from those things which make life worth living. I felt like I couldn't live anymore, knowing that Matt's son got 15 minutes, feeling so guilty for all those fifteen minute chunks of time I whittled away without care. In the amount of time I spent on my wiki for Wyrmshadow, Matt's son, and all those other babies in that cemetary, could have lived and died many times over. If it sounds morose or macabre, that's because it damn well is.

But I am not dead. I am alive. I miss this. This place is part of what makes me feel alive. I am not hiding anymore.

I'm sorry to all my friends here, for whom my absence might have seemed rude. I'm sorry, too, if this message seems somehow misplaced. Obsidian Portal has meant a lot to me since I found it, and the friends I have made here mean even more.

Anyway, I thought you deserved an explanation. I'm glad to be back among friends, where I can feel alive again.

Mike Scott
(Duskreign)

Comments

  • arsheesh
    arsheesh
    Posts: 850
    Welcome back Mike. You have been missed, but I'm sure no one who knew what was going on found your absence in any way "rude." Take all the time to grieve that you need. Our thoughts and (speaking for myself at least) prayers have been with you and Matt. In the face of losing a beloved son/nephew, I'm not sure what comfort words can be. But know that we're here for you brother.

    Your friend,

    Tad Davis
    (Arsheesh)
  • gaaran
    gaaran
    Posts: 740 edited November 2010
    I want to be the first to let you know that your absence was noted and missed, but that I understand completely. I try to empathize, but I can scarcely fathom what your friend is going through. Suffice to say, we are glad to have you back, Dusk.

    Edit: Well, second, cause I got stopped by the nightly backup.
    Post edited by gaaran on
  • Poutine_Paladin
    Poutine_Paladin
    Posts: 285
    Dusk,

    As Arsheesh said, no words can possibly provide the comfort you need, sir, but know that your friends here grieve with you and your friend. To say I understand what you're feeling would be a lie, but know that I feel for you both. Any support you need from us is available here to the best of our abilities.

    Your friend though we've never met,
    Mike Davies, Kamloops, BC, Canada
    (Poutine Paladin)
  • RaseCidraen
    RaseCidraen
    Posts: 890
    Mike,

    I had been wondering why I started having a niggling sense of foreboding, followed by an intense curiosity as to why I hadn't seen you around for a while. This place has been very different without your presence, and I think there is a solemn sense of loss shared by all. I can't imagine what words I could wield, nor do I think that they would do anything but mar such an occasion. What has been said will be repeated forever, but every time its words are no less true than before. You have been missed, and we are here for you. If you ever find yourself in need of anything, in any capacity, let me know, and I will do my best to care for you, brother.

    Always your friend,

    Alex Munson
    (Rase Cidraen)
  • Embirsiphone
    Embirsiphone
    Posts: 385
    *hugs dusk* Let me know if I can ever help you out alright? I'm not very good at the comforting thing, but I'll give it a shot.
  • Duskreign
    Duskreign
    Posts: 1,085
    Thanks, guys. I might not be my old, wacky, cheerful self for a bit, but it is nice to know I haven't completely lost my connections here in my absence.
  • RaseCidraen
    RaseCidraen
    Posts: 890
    Dusk, the only way you could lose us is if you were the first man on Mars. And you stayed. Although even then, I think the astronauts have super-wifi, so I'm not so sure you'd be able to get rid of us even then.
  • FrankSirmarco
    FrankSirmarco
    Posts: 250
    Welcome back, Dusk. we've kept everything just as you left it.

    It will feel cozy again, trust me. Maybe not the same, but cozy nonetheless.
  • DarkMagus
    DarkMagus
    Posts: 425
    I am very sorry for your and your family's loss. I hope the best for you all during this difficult time.

    Also, glad to have you back. :) (And clearly I'm not alone on this!)
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